Oh, just another rant..

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I. Can’t. Even. I don’t know if it’s the hormones from the IUD or something else but I’m seriously emotional, and to put it mildly, crazy.

It’s been a week since seeing Mr. X. I know, it’s nothing in comparison to what others go through, some go a lot longer without seeing their person. But still…

I think I am asking too much of him, and asking for things he may not want to give me. We’ve established that it needs to be more than just sex. Okay. I get that. I’m trying. I’m trying to make time to hang out or meet up. And yes I agree, we tried to have a date not long ago that ended up leading into the post about the car ride (but in all honesty, I was unaware that Mr. X had planned on trying to NOT have sex)… Or last week where I invited him to just cuddle and hang out until I had to go to work (which was a serious attempt on my part for the no sex thing, seriously).. Failures – in the sense that we ended up having sex anyways.

But I can’t be the only one to blame right? I mean, yeah, that sexual chemistry is there all right. IT’S FREAKIN’ THERE. But I know I’m sensing something more than that. And when I feel like maybe it is something more, I’m given the cold shoulder, pushed away. No texts in return or one worded responses.. No commitment to trying to see each other. Absolutely nothing. NOTHING. Which makes me feel cheap, used, and like I mean nothing to him.

I feel like maybe all I am to Mr. X is great sex, whether he likes to admit it or not. Because once all is said and done, it seems like that’s all he’s focused on when he’s around me. And as much as I don’t necessarily hate it, it sucks because I can never be anything more for him. I may be great sex but I can’t be viewed as anything more than just that.. Not “date-able”. And trust me, I kind of get it – A single mother, living at home with her parents still, and working crazy night shift hours at the hospital and sleeping during the days only to go to work again at night. I’m not exactly an ideal situation. And I get that..

I want parts of a vanilla relationship, along with the kink of our sexual relationship. And Mr. X is torn, with his faith and sex. And damn, that just makes me feel guilty sometimes; because I admire how devoted he is to his religion, it’s.. refreshing. But at the same time, can’t there be a happy balance?

The more I’m typing, the more emotional I’m getting, and I think the more unfiltered I am becoming. I’ll stop before I get ahead of myself.. but seriously, what gives?

Relapse.

Tags

, , , , , , ,

 

(My mood) 
I wear my heart on my sleeve and I hate it. I’d like to think I can keep it together but today proved otherwise (or should I say yesterday..?)

Mr. X and I have been feeling like our arrangement is meant for seedy hotel rooms, and nothing longer lasting. I want more. I hope he does too. But we have so many obstacles in our way. It feels like bad timing, or like the universe is working against me – or both. I really wouldn’t be surprised.

I had a horrible morning. I went for a run (not like me), made some tortillas for dinner and took a shower. I was wide awake. I could not sleep if my life depended on it.

I had been texting Mr. X while he was at work, looking at the pictures of the testing boards he was working on. I was surprised he was done early, so I took the opportunity and invited him over.

We never get the opportunity to just lay side by side, my head on his chest, his hands caressing me up and down. It was so nice, words cannot even explain.. It felt like home.

But I still couldn’t sleep. I had so much on my mind. Between the standstill of our “relationship” (which by all means feels like it’s in limbo) and childcare problems I’m going to have the next few weeks, I feel like a wreck.

I had a hard time opening up to Mr. X today, I just felt that after our conversation the night before I need to have my guard up, to protect myself. 

From what? I don’t know.. From getting hurt, I know I am too invested already. And I’ve never wanted it more than with him. But it’s crazy right? We just met each other, we probably barely know each other.. I can’t even explain it.

But of course, one thing led to another – it’s like we are addicts, and we relapsed today. I’m starting to wonder if it’s just sexual chemistry we have and nothing more – I have to admit, I would be upset if it were only so. 

I guess, like I’ve said before.. Only time will tell, but I am an impatient woman..

The End…?

It seems that I’ve been in over my head. Mr. X has me confused, lost, and defeated. I haven’t felt this way about anyone in such a long time. I’ve gotten way over my head, and let things happen to fast. But so did he. 

It seems there are a lot of obstacles standing in our way – our opposite schedules, my child, his religion. But I don’t think I’ve ever been more determined for something to work. 

From our first night, I didn’t think we would hit it off the way we did. And it wasn’t just the sex – as great as that was , it was our conversation, how he makes me smile and feel comfortable, feel like myself. No one has made me feel like.. Me, in a really long time. 

It’s the little things, like cuddling on the couch watching tv, falling asleep in his arms that I love the most and wish we could have more of.

Instead we’ve been acting like dirty shadows of the night…

Only time will tell, and I hope it works in our favor..

  
Anonymously Submissive 

Sleepless Nights

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

So with my last blog post being about fantasies, I cannot seem to get the ideas out of my mind. Mr. X has me yearning for him more than ever at the moment. Or maybe it’s my hormones. Who really cares, right?

The room is dark and we are sitting together, side by side. There’s a few groups of people quite a few rows a head of us, but they are too engrossed with what’s on the screen to really even notice us.

Mr. X’s hands leave mine and they slide down my leg, and straight to my wetness. Thank god for skirts.

“Spread your legs for me,” he whispers. 

Like a good girl, I do as I’m told. His fingers move my panties to the side and find my clit. He’s not gentle this time; he puts pressure on my clit as he circles it, making me even more wet. A loud moan escapes my lips. 

“Don’t make a sound. If you do, I’ll stop”, he says. 

“I’m sorry, Sir,” I whispered.

He starts again, moving his fingers on my clit, and with no warning, thrusting them inside of me. I bite the inside of my cheek to keep quite. 

“Now, touch your breasts as if I were the one touching them,” he commands.

I lift up my shirt and begin to firmly pinch and pull my nipples. His fingers have now completely pulled out and I am still touching myself. 

He unzips his pants, and presents his hard, thick cock for me. With just one look from Mr. X, I already know what to do. I slide off of my chair as quietly as possible and put my lips to his cock. I begin to suck him, lick him and taste him. His hands slide down my shoulders and find my breasts. He begins to tease, pull and pinch them. 

Next, he lifts me up to sit on his lap, and slides cock, slowly, deeply inside me. Mmmmmmmm. It is very difficult not to make a sound, but there was no way in hell I wanted this to stop. 

Slowly I ride his cock, and his hand finds my clit and my hands still pinching my nipples. Oh, this was heaven. Right as I was about to explode in orgasm around him, he holds my body down to be still, stopping all activity. 

“Have I given you permission to cum?”, he whispers into my ear.

“No, sir,” I reply,”Please, I need to cum sir.”

“In due time,” he whispers back.

Once again, I move around his cock, his hands still playing with my clit. I feel my orgasm building and building — and again right before I cum all around him, he stops me from moving all together. 

Oh, this is killing me! 

“Please, sir! I’m begging you!” I frantically whisper.

With no response, his lifts me off of him and I lift up the arm rest to kneel on the chair. My lips find his cock again, and his fingers find my wetness. My head bobs up and down and his finger slide in and out of me. 

“Now, you may cum.” He said.

And on command, I spill all around his fingers as my lips still slide up and down his cock, his seed then fills my mouth. I swallow it all with pleasure.

I sit back on the sit, and readjust myself. His hands find my cheek and he pulls me into a tender kiss. My head then rest on his shoulder, and we watch the movie going on before us…

Anonymously Submissive 

Homework.

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

So Mr. X has asked me to write out a fantasy that I have. So I thought, okay, that’s not going to be too difficult. But I spent all last night thinking about it. I’m pretty sure I dreamed about it last night too. And yet I still seem to be at a loss for words.

I think one of my “darkest” (at least for me) fantasies has to be being taken/kidnapped. I would have never thought of it before I watched Kink. But after watching Kink, it’s always been in the back of my mind. So let’s begin..
After a night of partying with friends from work, I find myself walking in a dark parking lot to my car. Of course I had to park furthest away from everyone else, and in the least lit part of the lot. I’m getting closer to my car and I’m rummaging through my bag for my keys. I probably shouldn’t have drank so much tonight, I think. But my punishment will be well worth it, I thought as I smiled to myself.

I pulled out the keys, opened the door and threw my bag inside. The next thing I know I’m being pinned against the car, hands being tied behind my back, my face pressed against the car. 

“Don’t even thinking about screaming”, the voice commanded,”You’ll come to regret it later.”

My heart is pounding right out of my chest, my mind racing. What the fuck was going on? And before I got a chance to see anything else, a blindfold was tied tightly over my eyes, and a gag placed in my mouth.

I was in complete darkness, thrown into the backseat of what I assumed was my car. Then I felt a blanket being thrown over me. I struggled to try and say something, anything through the gag. The more I resisted, the tighter the ties became around my wrists. 

“I thought I was explicitly clear,” the voice said. 

I stopped struggling.

We were on the move now to God knows where. It seemed like an eternity before we arrived at wherever we were. The blanket was ripped off in one swift motion, and I was pulled out of the car like a bag of potatoes. I was pushed to walk forward, again, for what seemed like forever. 

I’m pushed on the floor suddenly, and my clothes are being cut right off my body. Even through my fear, my body betrays me. My nipples harden, and I feel myself getting wet.

“It looks like you are enjoying this as much as I am,” the voice says. 

I struggle to scream through the gag, I try to free my wrists from the ties, with no success. I’m lying naked on the floor, struggling.

I hear this person moving around the room, objects hitting the counter,  and music begins to play in the background – classical.

I jump as firm, very manly hands begin to touch all over my body – up and down my arms, spreading my legs, pinching my nipples. His hands find themselves between my legs and feels how wet I’ve become. 

“Just what I hoped for”, he whispered,”Now let’s see begin.”

He lifted my body and carried me. A few steps later I was thrown into a bed? Yeah, it was a bed. My hands still tied behind my back, and now my legs tied, spread apart. The gag is finally taken off and I begin pleading.

“Please don’t do this”, I implore,”Just let me go. I will never say anything to anyone. Please! I don’t even know what you look like! I’m begging you!”

No response, instead I feel a finger thrust inside of me, and a moan escape from my lips. I am scared out of my mind, I have no idea who this stranger is, yet I couldn’t be more turned on..

Those same fingers were raised to my lips and put into my mouth. “Oh, how sweet you must taste..”

  
I felt his body move away from mine, the air around me suddenly getting cold. I heard the sound of a zipper, and pants hitting the ground. My body tensed, as footsteps come my way.

“Please, I’m begging you. Don’t do this. Please”

“Please, what?”

What? Before I could even comprehend what was going on, I was flipped over on my stomach on his lap, and I felt pain. The pain was gone as he kept spanking me. One cheek, then the next, never hitting the same spot twice. I was screaming, but at this point I don’t think it was out of fear, but pure.. Pleasure.

I’ve been watching you”, he says in between spanks,”I’ve been watching, and waiting. You’ve been a bad, bad girl”

  
I was thrown back on the bed, lying on my stomach. Firm hands gripped my hips, pulling my ass to the air, and without any time to comprehend what was going on, his cock deep inside me.

Oh. My. Word. My body has betrayed me yet again. Fear pulsed through my veins but my pussy was saying otherwise. His cock was sliding in and out and before I could even comprehend what was going on, I came all around him.

There’s no way I could be enjoying this. But I was. It was more than enjoying myself, it felt like I was high. No. I couldn’t be. I tried getting my arms loose from their ties, kicking my legs trying to get away.

“Not so fast..”, he says.

  

I was pinned on the bed, hands still tied, on my back as his lips found my nipples and fingers pressed and circled my clit. 

As much as I tried to resist, I moaned, and I came. No longer was I resisting, but I was ready to ask for more.

“Oh please. I’m begging you. Give me more.” I plead.

“That’s my bad, little girl,” he says.

Hands grip my neck, and his cock is deep inside me. I find myself coming again.  

Anonymously Submissive

Memorable Car Rides.

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

So as luck would have it, I was able to see Mr. X last night. Was it last night? It almost seems like it was a dream..

We started to drive around the boring town/city I live in, finding someplace to go. That drive was the best hour-ish I’ve ever experienced. We started with conversation, he making me smile and laugh, and his hand on my leg, inching its way up – making me unbelievably wet in the process. You see, I believe I am the definition of a nymphomaniac when it comes to Mr. X.

According to dictionary.com.
noun
1. a woman who has abnormally excessive and uncontrollable sexual desire.

Anyways, on with the story. He started rubbing my clit through my jeans, and as wet as I was, he could feel it though my pants. I think he was even surprised I managed to soak through my jeans. I sure as hell wasn’t, I had been craving Mr. X more than he knew. The next thing I know, we are at a stop light and he’s asking me to take off my pants. I comply without a second thought. I didn’t even care if the car next to us could see what I was doing. Pants off, hands already rubbing my clit, making me moan, and feel so good.

And we kept on driving. At this point, my seat was nearly flat and all I could see was the night sky through the window. It made for a pretty trippy experience. I came once, then twice, then a third time. It seemed like there were points where he would pull back right as I was about to come, make me wait for it, then start the process all over again. As much as I hated it, I loved it. He made me want more.

We finally end up in the parking lot of the movie theater, and of course we park in the most populated area with a movie just letting out and tons of people walking to their cars. Boy, it was so exciting. The windows were slightly cracked, Mr. X is rubbing my clit, fingering me, making me cum even more, and I’m moaning so loud I don’t care who can hear me. A couple walked by as Mr. X told me to quiet down, and I think one man looked in the car. What a sight he must have seen.

We continued to drive around, Mr. X still fingering me, still rubbing my clit, adding spanking to the mixture – all while still driving to God knows where. At that point I could care less where we were going. Then Mr. X started playing with my ass, and fingering me. That sent me over the edge.. At this point in the night I had come about 6-7 times. I seriously just didn’t want it to end. Mr. X kept driving, and fucking me with his hands, spanking me, pinching my nipples, and spanking my clit.

Now added to the mixture was me playing with my nipples, while his fingers slid in and out of me. By the end of this magnificent car ride, I had come a total of 13 times. Mr. X like me to keep count. At this point, the windows were down, my shirt up to my neck, with me playing with my breasts and he played with my clit. But one of my favorite parts of the night was the end, as Mr. X was driving down this creepy dark road, he took out his cock and I slid my mouth over it. As my mouth kept sliding up and down his cock, his fingers were going in and out of me, making me come for the last time, and making him come in my mouth.

It was one hell of a car ride..

Let’s hope I can see Mr. X tonight.. after all it is National Orgasm Day, according to Match.com. 😉

Untitled.

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

So it feels like a while since I’ve updated this thing. But according to WordPress, its only been a day. Hm.

This post is going to be very ‘vanilla’. 3 night shifts in a row. So it’s time to KO until this evening, which will suck because I’ll end up being awake all night for absolutely NO REASON. Unless Mr. X is free, which is very unlikely lately.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen Mr. X, but I’m trying to get over that. But it’s a little hard when I have to make my “morning” Starbucks run in the parking lot where he spanked me for the first time, and had me screaming with pleasure…

At least he keeps me company on my drive home in the morning which is nice, and greatly appreciated. He does know how to make me smile and laugh when I’ve had the crappiest of nights.

Maybe I should be a bad girl, that might get his attention 😉
(even though I need some work in that area)

Adios for now!

Anonymously Submissive

Rant.

I’m not one to rant and be crazy. But here I am. Ranting. Crazy. I’ve come to realize that I’m that crazy girl who just needs constant attention. Maybe that’s because everything in my life is about everyone else, and I’m constantly putting myself on the back burner. 

I put myself out there, didn’t get much in return. Oh well. That’s how it goes sometimes, right? Okay. Rant over. For now. Time to get back to work. 

Anonymously Submissive

Gloriously Late Nights.

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

75c00086cfc4424414738e33bee8595a

Anticipation. That was the key word to describe yesterday. I slept all day when I got home from work because I had been told I’d most likely be called in that night. Great. 5 o-clock. No call back. 6 o-clock. No call back. 7. Nothing. Now I’m wide awake late at night, watching Nymphomaniac Volume II.

I texted Mr. X to see what he was up to. It was late, I knew he would be home, and hopefully not sleeping like me. I needed to get out of my sauna of a house (broken AC) even if it was just to cuddle and hang out.

When I got to Mr. X’s place, the last thing I had on my mind was sleep. We got into bed and just laid there for a few minutes. I knew what was coming. I have NEVER been good at initiating intimacy. Never. In my past relationships, I was the one always craving sex. I had been turned down so many times, I figured I was done with trying to initiate. At least I knew that if my partner initiated, they wanted it as well.

Mr. X said, “So, are you gonna be a good girl and let me sleep? Or are you going to be a bad girl tonight?”. Man, was that such a turn on. But what did I know about being a ‘bad girl’? Absolutely nothing. I love that Mr. X could sense my hesitation, and had me talk through what I was thinking/feeling. I’m still trying to get used to that – talking things out. But I love that he forces me to be open with him – even if he is fighting me tooth and nail to talk.

Anyways, I wanted to be a bad girl last night. And Mr. X showed me how. Apparently bad girls take what they want, and that I did. I took Mr. X’s cock in my mouth (trying to get better at this I hope), and enjoyed every minute of it. Then, I climbed on top of him and rode him. I don’t think I’m particularly good at this position but I love it most because I could feel him so deep inside of me. I’m wet just thinking about it again.

I kept riding him. He asked me what I wanted. I wanted everything. He began to play with my ass. Again, something we have recently explored and found that I liked. Even though he cannot take me there yet, hopefully one day I can. The first time I was only able to accommodate 1 finger, but last night I must have been really relaxed (and I was enjoying it more than I could have ever expected) because I was able to accommodate 2 of his fingers. He played with me ass while he fingered me, and rubbed my clit. It was exhilarating.

I told him to be rough with me, to spank me, and something new we tried, to choke me. During one of our previous times together, he had his hands wrapped around my throat, and I loved it. So this time, we decided to get a little rougher with it. He applied more pressure, barely choking me but enough to make me cum while he fucked me senseless.

But now, it was time for my punishment/funishment. As he was spanking me, he asked,”Now who was a bad girl tonight?” Oh, I was, sir. I also didn’t realize how much I loved calling him Sir. The spanks kept coming, and I kept crying out in ecstasy, and trying to answer his questions.

I would say that I had a good night’s sleep after our time together, but I really didn’t. What felt like fives minutes after falling asleep, it was time for me to get up and leave Mr. X to come back home. That truly is the worst part. Sometimes, I’d like to just lay there next to him with his arms around me, and seriously fall asleep…

Until next time,

Anonymously Submissive

Daydreaming..

Tags

, , , , , ,

  
Is it still daydreaming when you work at night? Hm. Anyways, it’s an easy shift at work for once and I’m left alone to my fantasies. I was wandering through the Fet Life website, looking at different group posts, and just exploring. 

I’ve been thinking about the different things I’d like to explore with Mr. X. One that has caught my interest is flogging. I really enjoy being spanked by Mr. X, so I’m thinking I might enjoy flogging. Maybe caning too. But don’t google it. I was a little terrified of the pictures I came across. I’m sure if done appropriately, it must feel amazing. It’s making me look back at the pictures he took of me restrained. 

Hmm, I can’t wait until I see Mr. X again. I feel like a needy child sometimes, but part of me doesn’t even care. At times, I find myself surprised when he calls me to keep me company on my drive to or from work, and that our conversations flow naturally. I love how he commands me so naturally, and how I submit so willingly. I love the feeling I get as he holds me tight against him, and runs his fingers though my hair, but then he can spank me so hard I scream with pleasure. Only time can tell where this will lead..

Anonymously Submissive