Tags
boring, d/s relationship, daydreaming, dom, dom/sub, dreaming, emotional, feelings, mood, relationship, rough, sub, submissive, vanilla, wanting
I. Can’t. Even. I don’t know if it’s the hormones from the IUD or something else but I’m seriously emotional, and to put it mildly, crazy.
It’s been a week since seeing Mr. X. I know, it’s nothing in comparison to what others go through, some go a lot longer without seeing their person. But still…
I think I am asking too much of him, and asking for things he may not want to give me. We’ve established that it needs to be more than just sex. Okay. I get that. I’m trying. I’m trying to make time to hang out or meet up. And yes I agree, we tried to have a date not long ago that ended up leading into the post about the car ride (but in all honesty, I was unaware that Mr. X had planned on trying to NOT have sex)… Or last week where I invited him to just cuddle and hang out until I had to go to work (which was a serious attempt on my part for the no sex thing, seriously).. Failures – in the sense that we ended up having sex anyways.
But I can’t be the only one to blame right? I mean, yeah, that sexual chemistry is there all right. IT’S FREAKIN’ THERE. But I know I’m sensing something more than that. And when I feel like maybe it is something more, I’m given the cold shoulder, pushed away. No texts in return or one worded responses.. No commitment to trying to see each other. Absolutely nothing. NOTHING. Which makes me feel cheap, used, and like I mean nothing to him.
I feel like maybe all I am to Mr. X is great sex, whether he likes to admit it or not. Because once all is said and done, it seems like that’s all he’s focused on when he’s around me. And as much as I don’t necessarily hate it, it sucks because I can never be anything more for him. I may be great sex but I can’t be viewed as anything more than just that.. Not “date-able”. And trust me, I kind of get it – A single mother, living at home with her parents still, and working crazy night shift hours at the hospital and sleeping during the days only to go to work again at night. I’m not exactly an ideal situation. And I get that..
I want parts of a vanilla relationship, along with the kink of our sexual relationship. And Mr. X is torn, with his faith and sex. And damn, that just makes me feel guilty sometimes; because I admire how devoted he is to his religion, it’s.. refreshing. But at the same time, can’t there be a happy balance?
The more I’m typing, the more emotional I’m getting, and I think the more unfiltered I am becoming. I’ll stop before I get ahead of myself.. but seriously, what gives?